


Always Awake

by multifanwho



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 20:16:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16817710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifanwho/pseuds/multifanwho
Summary: Yaz can't sleep on her visit home, so she goes back to the TARDIS and finds herself having a heartfelt conversation with the Doctor about her long past.Inspiration taken from this comic about the Carmilla webseries http://toodrunktofindaurl.tumblr.com/post/103699335461/oops-my-hand-slipped-again-watch-carmilla





	Always Awake

Yaz couldn’t sleep. She was at home for the weekend and was missing the whirr of the TARDIS engines soothing her to sleep. She misses it. She misses knowing the Doctor is nearby. Unable to drift off to sleep, Yaz gets out of bed and puts on some shoes and her coat and makes her way out of her family home. It was a bitter night in December with the wind making Yaz’s face sting, the only warmth coming from the shine of the moon and the assortment of festive lights lining the streets. The comforting blue box soon comes into view and Yaz smiles at the sight of it. She knocks and waits for the familiar creek of the door.

The door opens but not with the Doctor behind it. Instead the Doctor is dancing around the console with a slice of pizza in her hand. The TARDIS makes a loud wheeze to grab the Doctors attention, and she finally turns to the door.

“Yaz! Come in it’s freezing outside.” She says urging her to come to her side.

“Doctor, how did the door open?” 

“TARDIS let you in, she could tell it was you.” The Doctor explains, but Yaz is too sleep deprived to ask how a machine could do that.

“Why’d you come here Yaz?” The Doctor asks as Yaz finally reaches her side. “Also d’you want some pizza?” 

“Can’t sleep. Also it’s 2:30 am.”

“So? Even more reason to eat Pizza. If you’re awake you might as well do something you love. Like eating pizza.” The Doctor says handing her a slice of cheese and tomato pizza.  
“Come on. Sit down, talk to me.” The Doctor sits on the edge of the raised flooring in the centre of the room. Yaz takes off her coat and sits on it. 

“I just can’t sleep properly at home anymore. The TARDIS is more of a home than that room now. Nothing against my family I’ve just spent so much time here. With you.” Yaz says watching the Doctor chew on some pizza crust. 

“That is still what you want isn’t it, more time with me?” The Doctor asks wanting to make sure Yaz still feels safe travelling with her, Graham and Ryan.

“Yeah don’t be stupid.” Yaz pushes the Doctors knee playfully. “I’m just struggling to sleep.”

“I can get you a recording of the TARDIS if it helps, kind of like a white noise machine. You still need to see your family Yaz.” The Doctor offers.

“Thanks, and I know.” Yaz says. She watches the Doctor grab another slice of pizza from the box. “How are you not tired?” Yaz asks out of curiosity.

“I’m a time lord I don’t need as much sleep as you humans.” The Doctor answers, but Yaz can tell that her friend is holding something back.

“Yeah, but, you still need some sleep and you’re dancing and eating pizza in the middle of the night.” Yaz laughs. The Doctor smiles but keeps looking at her lap, not making eye contact with Yaz. “What’s keeping you awake?” Yaz asks softly, not knowing if the Doctor would close off and not tell her anything at all.

“I’m always awake Yaz. I have a lot to think about.”

“Like what?” Yaz asks and the Doctor turns away again. “Hey,” Yaz places her hand on the Doctor’s leg. “I’m sorry, if you don’t want to talk about it you don’t have to.” 

“I have lost so many people, Yaz.” The Doctor speaks slowly. “Sometimes, if I close my eyes for too long, I see them all.”

“But that’s good right? Even though they’re not here you can still see them?” 

“It’s not the same.” The Doctor shakes her head, finally looking Yaz in the eye again. For the first time the Doctor is showing her age. There was something in her eyes that screams the experience of a thousand lifetimes. Her body is young but her eyes can’t hide the trauma her soul has been through.  
“It torments me because I know I ruined them. I see them when I close my eyes and… and they just look at me. As if to say ‘Why doctor? Why did you leave me? Why did you let that happen?’ and I can’t answer them. Because they’re gone.” The Doctor stops to let Yaz ask any questions she might have, but she is speechless at the Doctors openness and vulnerability around the subject. “So I sleep when I need. No more no less.”

“Doctor can you promise me something?” Yaz asks quietly.

“Depends on what you’re going to ask.”

“Talk to me about them when you need to.” 

“I’m scared you’ll become one of them.” The Doctor admits with her eyes glossing over with tears. “Yaz I’m scared something will happen to you and then I get to see you in my sleep and then I’ll wake up and you won’t be here.”

“Sshhh.” Yaz shifts her body to be face on to the Doctor and gently places her forehead on the opposite woman’s. “I’m not going anywhere.” Yaz whispers, trying to instil some confidence in the Doctor. They sit like that together for a long while, listening to each other’s breathing as a gentle reminder they are both alive and present together in this moment. 

The smell of the Doctor, the sound of her breathing and the sound of the TARDIS humming in the background makes Yaz’s eyes grow heavy. She soon can’t keep them open, and her head is next to get heavy. Her head slips from the Doctors forehead to her shoulder. She can’t feel it, but the Doctor scoops her up from the floor and carries her to her bedroom in the TARDIS. 

The Doctor gently places Yaz down on the bed and takes off her shoes before placing some blankets on top of her. Failing to resist the urge the to do so, the Doctor leans over and plants a small kiss on Yaz forehead. The action provokes some movement from Yaz.

“Stay.” She breaths reaching out for the older woman. The Doctor gives into her request after a moment of hesitation and lays on top of the blankets Yaz is under too keep a respectful boundary. She lays there and listens to the amazing young woman sleeping next to her breathe. Soon, the Doctor involuntarily falls asleep. With Yaz next to her, she doesn’t dream of lost beloved ones. She dreams of the stars and the wonder of them, and gets a good nights sleep for the first time in a long time.


End file.
